Spot: Harvest, or Hoard?

Friday, September 22, 2023

Harvest, or Hoard?

A DUKE CANNON COMPENDIUM OF THINGS TO HARVEST THIS FALL

Fall officially arrives on September 23rd, and like the chipmunks in our backyard stocking up enough acorns to outlast a nuclear winter, the instinct to gather has been nagging at us. As the weather turns, and your DNA desires a cupboard full of canned stewed tomatoes, here are some other things to consider harvesting so that a winter of plentitude is all but guaranteed.

CHOPPED WOOD

If you're like us, you've chased off anyone who has tried to persuade you to convert your wood burning fireplace to gas (plastic logs are for suckers). The only catch? You'll need at least a full cord to keep the flames chugging until spring. And keep it chugging you must, because where else can hot toddies be consumed but in front of a crackling fire? And what else are you going to poke at all winter?

BEER

On your next run to the liquor store, consider hooking up the trailer. Sustaining life over winter can be hard for a species, and harder still without a garage fridge chock full of one's favorite hop juice. 

BOX SETS OF TV SHOWS

Winter nights can be long, cold, and lonely, so why not have a cabinet full of friends you can go into battle with (Band of Brothers on Blu-Ray), drink and laugh with (Cheers, The Office), bust some bad guys with (Columbo, TJ Hooker, Hill Street Blues, etc), and make functioning arc welders with using only jumper cables, a radio antenna, and two nickels and a penny (MacGyver)?

MEAT

How much does a guy need, you might ask. How much room you got, we would respond. That's really the only equation you need to concern yourself with when planning a proper autumnal meat haul. We've recently expanded our household refrigeration to now include a deep freeze in the garage, next to the fridge full of beer. We suggest you do the same. 

FLANNEL SHIRTS

What are the men's magazines saying about flannel shirts this year? Just kidding. The only sartorial advice we take comes from Paul Bunyan and Old Man Winter, which is to say, even though the elbows may wear thin, and the chain oil stains might never be removed, one's quiver of flannel will always be in style.

QUALITY SOCKS

Unless you're an ape or an MMA fighter, your feet will likely require socks this fall and winter. We recommend woolen socks (hand-knit), topped off with a pair of sturdy boots (insulated is preferred, steel toe recommended but not mandated).

CANDY

Duke Cannon's sweet tooth is deprived of candy most of the summer, busy as it is gnawing through fishing line and such, but when the cold comes clipping in, he likes the comfort of a root beer barrel in his maw. Forget the dental hygienist's stern words—you only live once, as they say. 

READING MATERIAL

Some dog-eared Stephen King and Clive Cussler paperbacks, stacks of Sports Illustrated, various repair manuals, back issues of Argosy magazine (their diligent coverage of UFOs, Evel Knievel, and the medicinal possibilities of cobra venom throughout the '70s was top-notch)—there's no wrong answer here when it comes to leafing through printed matter during a prolonged cold stretch. Where do your obsessions lie, dear reader?

SALSA

No winter pantry is complete without a cache of homemade salsa. Be diligent in your food preservation practices though: botulism is no joke, as our friend Randy can well attest.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO SHOWER

Right in time for Halloween, the mad scientists at Duke Cannon have stitched together a new scent to unleash upon an unsuspecting world—CANDY CORN! With a smoked vanilla scent, this seasonal Big Ass Brick of Soap will remind you of trick-or-treating around your old neighborhood while lugging a pillowcase stuffed full of candy. And while we don't want to frighten anyone more than we already have, we think it's only fair to warn you that this scent is available for a limited time, so act fast.