Spot: Duke Cannon swings for the fences

Friday, March 22, 2024

Duke Cannon swings for the fences

DUKE CANNON SAYS IT'S TIME TO PLAY BALL

With the first two games in the books already, Duke Cannon thinks it's fitting to take a look at of the most enduring, and lengthiest, stretches of the calendar year—Major League Baseball season. So grab your favorite ratty ballcap (that one that makes your significant other shudder), grab the nearest box of Cracker Jack, hit "play" on John Fogarty's "Centerfield," and join us in examining some of the more intriguing storylines of the 2024 season.

A GLUT OF YOUNG TALENT TAKES THE FIELD

From Jackson Holliday (Baltimore Orioles) to Jackson Merrill (San Diego Padres), there are a pack of young players emerging on the scene who can hit 97mph fastballs, but cannot legally buy beer. Who do we have our eye on? In all honesty, we are partial to rookie Texas Rangers outfielder Wyatt Langford, because baseball skillset aside, we are big fans of both Wyatt Earp and Walker, Texas Ranger.  

DODGER DOLLAR$

This past off season, the Los Angeles Dodgers free-agent spending spree total came in just shy of the annual GDP of a decent-sized South American country. It was certainly a busy and expensive six months for the Dodgers accounting department (who apparently see the movie Moneyball as a poison ivy-level threat to be avoided at all costs), but as any Yankees fan can attest, spending money does not guarantee championship rings. 

THE CRITICAL NL CENTRAL DIVISION RACE

While some might be tuned in to see which players win the Cy Young, Rookie of The Year, or MVP award, Duke Cannon will be keeping score of the Famous Racing Sausages at American Family Field in Milwaukee (home of the Brewers). If anyone ever stumbles upon an athletic contest more galvanizing than anthropomorphic encased meats racing across the manicured dirt of a baseball diamond, please let us know.  

AN ALL-STAR IN THE MAKING

If you find your way to Arlington, Texas this season, stop by Globe Life Stadium and check out the Boomstick Burger. Unleashed in 2023 and now beginning its sophomore campaign, this behemoth is comprised of a whopping two foot-long beef patty topped with Texas Chili, nacho cheese, jalapenos, and onion rings, all housed in a long brioche bun. Brilliant? Reckless? We cannot decide. Also: reports that the ballpark had defibrillators installed by the ketchup and mustard dispensers could not be confirmed at press time.

OUR SPRING GARAGE SALE IS COMING TO A CLOSE

This is the last weekend of our Spring Garage Sale, and we've added even more items to our already groaning shelves of deeply discounted grooming goods. One thing is for certain: with prices up to 50% off, any reasonable fellow will be kicking themselves for missing a sale of this magnitude.