Spot: Duke Cannon Was Not Born in a Barn

Friday, May 31, 2024

Duke Cannon Was Not Born in a Barn

DUKE CANNON ASKS: WHO LEFT THE FRONT DOOR OPEN AGAIN?

Few things rankle Duke Cannon like a front door left unlatched, ajar, or agape. An open door is a chink in a man's armor, after all, making him vulnerable to higher energy bills, blue bottle flies, and unwanted solicitors eagerly hustling up the front walk. Yes, we understand parcel deliveries to the home have increased 1,483% in the past several years. And we get that bringing groceries in from the car is easier with a propped-open door. Nonetheless: close the dang door already. So, who is responsible for this latest act of entryway negligence? Here are some perpetrators to consider.

MRS. CANNON

True, our better half may not fixate on door closures as much as we do. But she also knows a door left open is an invitation to that most dreaded of uninvited guests: insects. So, although she may on occasion fail to pull the door shut with the required force, her alibi is pretty solid.

OUR KIDS

The whippersnappers are prime suspects. Too young to appreciate the rigors of homeownership, theirs is a carefree life of freeze pops, tire swings, and touch football. Furthermore, the many instances of an illuminated indicator light on your dashboard attests to the fact that they can't even be bothered to close a car door properly. With priors like this, these repeat offenders are definitely in the lineup.

NEIGHBOR KIDS

See above, multiplied exponentially, as they don't live here and care even less (if that's possible).

THE DOG

Yes, it is in a dog's nature to want to be outside. And it's true that just whispering the word "walk" sends man's best friend into a frenzy. So, the motive is certainly there. But, with no opposable thumbs, it would be difficult to get these charges to stick to the pooch.

THE WIND

The wind cannot open doors; it can only (in rare cases) blow open a door that was not properly closed in the first place. The search for justice continues.

PROBABLY US

Our apologies to the ranks of the accused. In our quest to bring the offender(s) to justice, it appears we may well have rushed to judgement. It was pointed out to us that between grabbing the mail, racing kids to baseball practice, and then carrying in a bag of dog food the size of a twin mattress, we were the last one to enter the house. And, as Duke Cannon knows how to take responsibility for his actions (or in this case, inactions), we humbly beg forgiveness for having our head up our butt. It won't happen again.

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