Spot: Why American Cheese Matters

Friday, June 21, 2024

Why American Cheese Matters

IN PRAISE OF AMERICAN CHEESE

Not long ago, the culinary powers-that-be decided that American cheese was no longer good enough to be put on top of a burger. Today, fewer chefs are building their burgers with this monument to processed, fluorescent orange glory. Instead, they're using cheeses like fontina, which sounds like a name for a dog that fits in a purse; or Havarti, who may or may not be the Italian designer behind $300 pre-ripped jeans. No, thank you. So, with summer officially here, and grilling season shifting into high gear, we thought it only right and proper that we mount a proper defense of American cheese.

COMFORT FOOD FOR THE TROOPS

American cheese has many virtues: it's salty, it melts easily, and it doesn't smell like feet. It also, interestingly enough, played a critical role in history. In the early 20th century, American cheese was first produced on a large scale when soldiers on the front lines of WW1 needed something that would fortify them without spoiling. The game-changing invention provided both nourishment and comfort to American troops abroad, fueling the first of our back-to-back world championships.

THE GLORY DAYS

Fast forward to 1965, when the tireless heroes at Kraft Foods Inc. developed the mind-boggling technology to extrude cheese into single-use cellophane packets, thus creating the individually wrapped slice. Somehow this great leap for humanity was ignored by the snobs who sat on the Nobel Prize nominating committee, but no matter. This innovation ushered in a new era of convenience foods, allowing Americans to spend less time preparing meals and more of their time on things like landing on the moon and inventing the Internet. Simply put, American cheese set America on a path to global leadership.

WHERE WE WENT WRONG

And then something happened. Suddenly, it was acceptable to serve sushi at ballgames. Pretzel sticks took a backseat to whatever "charcuterie" is. And no one named their kid "Burt" anymore. We grew suspicious of words like "preservative" and "processed," even though, at one point, those very things saved our country from going hungry. In sum, American cheese had lost its processed, shiny luster.

LONG LIVE THE PROPER CHEESEBURGER

So, in closing, as we all begin celebrating in backyards this summer, we suggest you don't neglect to invite a certain orange rectangular guest to the party. And when your neighbor Todd hosts a BBQ, and asks if you want Gouda or Roquefort on your burger, well, you just remind Todd of the individually wrapped cheese preferred by soldiers and astronauts alike. Loudly demand that your burger come draped in a dairy-based slice of Americana, and then inhale that burger with pride and gusto.

BIG BANDIT SOAP IS BACK FOR THE 4TH OF JULY

Independence Day is just around the corner, so we are as happy as a teenager with a pack of firecrackers to announce that BIG BANDIT, our fireworks-scented Big Ass Brick of Soap, is back to bring its explosive lather to showers across this great land. But a word of caution: although safe for fingers, quantities of Big Bandit are extremely limited. And right now, you can also get a FREE Tactical Scrubber with orders of $75+ when you order a stash of this smoky soap before it's gone for good.