Spot: The Economics of a 12-Foot Skeleton

Friday, October 18, 2024

The Economics of a 12-Foot Skeleton

MAXIMIZING THE ROI OF YOUR 12-FOOT SKELETON

Without a doubt, the hottest Halloween decoration over the past few years has been the 12-foot skeleton. Originally debuting as a mere 8-foot skeleton, then sized up to meet the demands of the American consumer who always prefers things to be as large as science or nature will allow, this resin-molded yard ornament never fails to impress. But at almost $400, they are not exactly giving these things way. So a prudent fellow has to ask: how can I wring more than 3-4 weeks of value out of this sizable investment? Here are some thoughts.

YEAR-ROUND HOLIDAY DECOR

There's no law that says a skeleton can only be used to celebrate Halloween. So put that fellow to work throughout the calendar year with a rotating seasonal wardrobe. A Pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving, a Santa beard for Christmas, a diaper and sash for New Year's, and bunny ears for Easter are just some of the ways you can keep your rigid friend earning his keep all year long.

TO WARD OFF UNWANTED VISITORS

Let's face it: "Beware of Dog" signs have lost their punch. But we think a 12-foot skeleton, holding a large "NO SOLICITING" sign, will send precisely the kind of dread-infused message would-be peddlers of magazine subscriptions and gutter repair services will receive loud and clear.

FIREWORKS LAUNCHER

If you ask us, a 12-foot skeleton holding a roman candle in each bony phalange, with patriotic fireballs soaring skyward, is exactly what we need as a country on the Fourth of July.

GRILLMASTER

Imagine the chuckles from your friends when they enter your backyard to attend your next cookout and are greeted by a 12-foot skeleton with a chef's hat manning the smoker, complete with a grilling apron that has "Ask Me About My Ribs" printed on it. The resulting laughter will echo down the block.

BIRD FEEDER

The anatomical structure of this bony fellow lends itself perfectly to this task. Just attach your array of feeders to various limbs, and the birds will quite literally flock to your yard for the chance to be draw seed-based nourishment from your pricey endoskeleton.

A SOURCE OF SHADE

Perhaps you cannot afford to erect a fancy pergola to ward off the sun's harmful rays while sitting on your patio during the summer. No shame there. But with some savvy yard placement, the ribcage of your 12-foot skeleton will provide more than adequate shade for the sun-weary.

A MOUNTAIN IN THE SHAPE OF A BOX

Few things suit the fall season like smelling of crisp alpine air and cedarwood, which is why The Sawtooth Box is such a coveted item. Stocked with a variety of grooming provisions infused with our popular scent—a Big Ass Brick of Soap, THICK High-Viscosity Body Wash, Anti-Perspirant Deodorant, and a Tactical Scrubber to boot—and you have the mountain-scented score of a lifetime. And right now, you can obtain this box at duke cannon dot com for just $39.50 (a savings of $8).