DUKE CANNON THINKS THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY KINDS OF PANTS
As every hard-working fellow knows, pants take a beating. Knees give out, hems gets frayed, and so on. And when this happens, you need to get some new pants. But it is with a heavy heart that we inform you that you can no longer just waltz into a store, grab your known pant size, and be on your way. No, in today's world a man finds himself bedeviled by a strange and ever-expanding universe of "fits" and "cuts;" all seemingly intended to ensure you spend an entire afternoon at the general store scratching your head. Prepare yourself for a dizzying tour through the modern world of slacks/dungarees/pants.
STRAIGHT FIT
This is the most common fit out there, and is generally what you envision when you think of how pants should look and fit. Not tight, and not baggy. The bottom leg opening is not too wide, nor too narrow, so it fits over most boots without making you look like Wyatt Earp.
BOOT CUT
These are cut so that the bottom hem flairs out over boots, as the name indicates. So, if that aforementioned Wyatt Earp implication appeals to you, this fit will certainly be your huckleberry.
SLIM
These have been all the rage, and may look good on dates and such, but from a comfort point of view are not recommended for a construction site, commutes of a certain length, or airline travel. Although we will readily admit that "slim" is an acceptably cool nickname (just dial up an old cowboy movie and you are almost guaranteed to find a memorable supporting character who is called that).
SKINNY
Extremely slim fitting from the waist to the ankles, this fit is recommended for Mick Jagger, and no one else.
ATHLETIC
If you ask us, this fit is ripe for self-deception. After all, how many folks are truly honest with themselves about their current athletic standard? For example: we are an above-average bowler. We also famously excel at Jarts™️, but does that really mean we should be wearing trousers intended for highly-developed, fast-twitch athletes? Sure, why not.
RELAXED
The pant of choice for burrowing into a recliner to watch a ballgame or for shooting a game of bumper pool in the rec room. We have found that coming home and changing into these, not unlike Mister Fred Rogers, is an agreeable way to signal that the workday is done.
LOOSE FIT
The ample-bodied consumer (no judgement) will enjoy this generously proportioned cut. No pinching or binding to be found, and the pockets are amendable to being crammed with all manner of things necessary to your day-to-day existence (phone, keys, a month's worth of receipts, a roll of Certs®️, etc.). Note: a robust belt is almost certainly a necessity with these. In fact, some wearers of this fit take no chances and pair said belt with a pair of suspenders for the ultimate peace of mind.
HUSKY
This word came to prominence in the late 70's/early 80's, aimed squarely at well-meaning parents who understandably did not want to call their children fat. This resulted in some wily salesman at Sears, Roebuck and Co. grabbing a thesaurus in search of a kinder euphemism, and voila'—"husky" became a thing. Rather than describing a kid who lacked discipline around the cookie jar, it instead painted a much more flattering portrait of burly farmhands tossing bales of hay as if they were pillows. The result? To this day, whether on the playground or workplace, the word "husky" imparts an enduring sense of big-boned confidence.
GET READY FOR MISCHIEF AND SHENANIGANS
It's time to dance a festive jig, because that scent you've no doubt detected wafting o'er the land is because SHAMROCK IS BACK. Available in THICK High-Viscosity Body Wash or as a Big Arse Brick of Soap, Shamrock will have your shower smelling like the Emerald Isle. But hurry—Shamrock will only be around for a limited time.
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